can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
