My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
it hurts more in the daytime
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
