I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
My ATM looks so different sober.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
