It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
