I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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