They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Two words: nipple clamps
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