This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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