I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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