your parents love me but you hate me
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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