The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
