I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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