i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
The adults are the big ones right?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
