I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
