Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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