If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
