it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
