i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
