i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
