the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
