just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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