My hand turned me down
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
