i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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