i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
