my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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