At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
