genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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