3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
