if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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