I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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