my sisters under your porch take her home
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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