i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Hello my rib-scented angel!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
