Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
