there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
