If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
