so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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