Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
