Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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