someone threw a dead crab at me
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
