quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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