Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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