Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
