Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
