I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
