all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
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I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
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Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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