Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
