Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
