how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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