my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
