I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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