Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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