i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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