He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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