It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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