Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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