Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
