Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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