my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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