two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
