Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
