I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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